4. A Married Woman Named Kate

Hillary Clinton and George W. Bush were having a secret love affair, and for some reason, I was sharing a one-bedroom apartment (and a comically over-sized bed) with them. At some point they wanted to get freaky, and I stomped out of the bedroom in a huff.

Next thing I know, I’m in the kitchen frying bacon and suddenly Bill Clinton comes bursting in, all Where are they!? I gesture toward the bedroom with my spatula. As he’s heading back there, I ask him to please not hurt anyone or break anything. He turns to me and starts laughing.

“Sweetie, I ain’t gonna hurt nobody,” he says. “I just wanna see what the hay-ull this looks like.”

Then he starts hitting on me.